Protect My Delicate

So here I go again. I have a pig named Mr. Bullet. He is the stud of our farm. Well I decided it was time for Mr. Bullet to have a new improved shelter. He had one already but I just wanted to enforce what he has. He has decided that he is channeling Houdini lately. So off to Tractor Supply I go. After looking at several options I decided on cattle panel for his walls. The are strong metal and he cannot squeeze his 70 lb self through the holes.

You can’t escape now buddy.

As I start to set up and secure the cattle panel I am very happy with myself. I am using zip ties on all the corners and I think I have this fortress secured. I am giving myself a huge pat on the back.

Well the cattle panel is too high for me to easily get in and out of. One reason is because I had 8 ft railroad ties brought in to go completely around his area. And I have them stacked two high going all the way around. You have to step up about two feet to get into his area and with the cattle panel it is now like a four foot set up just to get into his pen. So I decide I am going to cut the cattle panel. Not all four walls just the front so that I can easily step in and out. I make sure it is high enough for me to get into, but for him not be able to get out. So now I am just giddy. I have secured Mr. Houdini. He is not going anywhere.

Now I just have to change his water and feed my buddy for being so well behaved during his renovations. Extra treats for Mr. Bullet.

After I have given him his treats and a good belly rub it is time for me go move on to other task. As I go to step out of the pen my pants get hung up on a piece of the cattle panel I have just cut. Crap. I did not cut low enough so there is a piece of metal that is sticking up. At first I am thinking ok no problem. I can just easily get myself loose. Well nope. Note I have stepped one leg already out of the pen onto the ground which is about 3ft lower than my other leg that is still inside the pen. As I try to wriggle my leg leg free the sharp piece of metal is starting to stab and puncture my leg. Oh ya’ll I am getting nervous. It is close to me delicate area. And why oh why am I in sweatpants. Really. I never wear sweatpants. What in the world was I thinking. I am in such a precarious position. I am not strong enough to step back into the pen. (I knew I should have worked out more) and if I try to pull my other leg out I am getting stabbed in my unmentionable areas. Can you imagine that story at the ER. So I cut my delicate in a pig pen. Oh for love of god! I feel like I am on Ninja warrior. I am starting to get mad now. I am thinking I might have to try to take off my pants. Wow the neighbors are getting a show today. Tickets come get your tickets.

At this point Mr. Bullet has realized that I am still in the pen with him. He has just ate all his food and is looking full and happy. So guess what? He thinks it’s time for another belly rub! I mean he just ate so now is time for loving. I am literally at this point yelling at him. Stop Bullet. NO BULLET. Now keep in mind he is a solid 70 lbs. And trying to rub up on my leg STILL in the pen. Bullet go away. Not now. I am reaching around the best I can to try to push him away. Yeah. That’s not happening. Have you tried to push a pig. HA. He just thinks I am reaching for him. So now I am like ok. I have to fix this situation ASAP. So I am going to just take my pants off the leg in the pen and make a break for freedom. I am out of breath. I am sweating and I am starting to get a freaking cramp. Can this really get any worse! Guess what IT can. In my panic to strip down and huffing and puffing like I am crazy Bullet gives me a full body rub. I mean all his meatiness right on my leg. And boom. My pants rip clean down my leg and out I tumble onto the ground. As I sit there checking over the damage and making sure I don’t need stitches he brings his nose right up to the fence. And gives a snort like “your welcome”. Really dude you almost broke my delicates. Uggg. So now that I have survived without too serious of an injury. I am taking that pat on the back away I gave myself just a few moments ago. Yep. No praise for me. Grabbing the wire cutters I make sure to cut that sticking fence good. Stupid fence. And I need new pants!