Poop Catastrophe

I am up at my chicken coop completing morning chores. I am just be bopping around getting it done. I check the chicken feed and realize I am very low so I better make a feed run. So I change my shoes and off to Tractor Supply I go. Now I live out in the country just a bit and Tractor Supply is about a 20 minute drive for me so I always take snacks. I mean you always need snacks right. What if I get stranded. I could starve to death. And I was a little hungry since I had not eaten yet today. So here I am just eating my snacks. I am driving without a care in the world. Just listening to the radio and singing my little heart out.

About 10 minutes into my ride my stomach starts to act up. You know that weird feeling you get right. Like ok. What’s going on. The little pains start to creep up. So at first I am not to worried. Maybe I just ate something that is not agreeing with me. Well another minute or so go by. And it’s getting worse. Now I am starting to speed. 60 in a 45. I can tell I need to get to a bathroom. Oh god. The pain is really kicking in now. Ya’ll I’m not going to make it. I start the get that cold sweat that covers your entire body telling you bad things are coming. The poop shakes have full on kicked in. I am trying to adjust in my seat. Maybe if I can just take some pressure off my body. Maybe it’s gas. You know when you do that little release test. Sweet god. It’s not gas. I have made it worse. This is going to be bad. Whatever is in my body is trying to tear out! I am picturing scenes from Alien. It want’s out NOW. Holy crap. I am doing full on Lamaze breathing at this time. Like the oxygen is going to stop my butt from exploding. I am in full freak out mode. Now I am really speeding like I am on COPS. Yep if they try to pull me over I am NOT stopping. How do you say I have to poop in sign language for the cops. Oh ya’ll I am going to jail for sure. I can just see the papers now. While trying to arrest Mandy after a high speed chase she craps all over the officer. It’s so bad. It’s trying to escape my body with such force. At this point I am talking to myself. Trying to reassure myself. I’ll be ok. You got this. Just squeeze girl clinch. Oh GOD I can’t. I am actually thinking I might just pull over on the side of the road. Where are all the gas stations. I am writing a stern letter to the city. We need more gas stations. For gods sake. It’s broad day light. Can I really squat on the side of the road. Do I even have napkins in the car. Oh god at this point in time I will need WAY more than napkins. The PAIN THE CRAMPS. I am starting to get nauseous. My shirt is now soaked with the poop sweats. Are you kidding I am going to puke and poop. This is not happening.

I am praying at this time Sweet baby Jesus. If you can just get me to a bathroom I will give you my 1st born. I will give you anything you want. What did I EAT. Whatever it was it wants out NOW! I’m not going to make it. Uggg. I can’t poop on the side of the road. Who knows what damage I will leave behind. I’m almost there. Thank you Thank you. Almost there. Let me just say the Fast and Furious have nothing on me at this point. I’m taking corners like NASCAR. Keep breathing. Clinch JUST Clinch. Up ahead I see it! Oh YES. Come on girl. Almost there. I swing into that parking lot like Tokyo drift. Screeching tires the whole way. I don’t even park the car in a spot. I pull right up to the door. Tow it I don’t care at this point.

I try to jump out the car. YEAH. That is NOT happening. I can hardly stand up straight. Ugg it hurts so bad. It is literally trying to break free and escape. Hunched over and breathing like I am in full on labor I crawl out of the car. I make as much of a dash as I can to the bathroom.

Now I will leave out the details of that ordeal. But lets just say. God help that bathroom. So as I lay on the bathroom floor of Tractor Supply trying to recover. Yes I am on the floor. I don’t care. I am still trying to recover from the pain ok guys. My body has just gone through a trauma. My poor body. I decide at that point in time. I am investing in a camping toilet. That thing is staying in my car. Ya’ll I am afraid the leave. I can’t decide if its over. I might just live in this bathroom. It’s nice. Good Paint color. No I have to go move my car. Slow and steady girl. Slow and Steady.

And I am no longer hungry.


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