No Olympics For Me

Ok ya’ll I’m dying. I can hardly breathe. Holy crap I think I need CPR. Wait let me backup and tell you what happened. So here in Tennessee we finally have a nice day. For weeks it has rained and rained and rained some more. I mean I need to get into a boat to get to my car. I wear floaties to work. It’s just ridiculous. So I was down at the house and have started working on prepping for my garden growing season. I grow lots of veggies on the farm. So here I am making sure my seed starter trays are all in order reviewing my seeds. Planning on what I am planting and when. And I just so happen to look up at the yard where all of my animals are. And something white catches my eye in Mr.Bullet (my 70/75 lb pig) pig pen. So here I am just standing there trying to figure what what in the world is in his pen with him. It’s white and his meaty body is blocking it so I can only see just the top. And I notice it is moving. Today is so friggin windy. I mean the wind is really no joke. You start walking one way and the wind is like HA nope and pushes you in the opposite direction.  Well I guess I’m going this way now. So anyway. I am standing there and trying so hard to see what it is. Not going to lie I am being lazy and really do not want to walk up there. I have to go up there in a little bit and that is just extra walking I don’t want to do right now. I’m tired ya’ll.  So I I try to get my x-ray vision to work. I see the top of this white mysterious thing move again with the wind and it is right on the side of my Bullet man. And then my heart jumps out of my chest. Oh No it looks like one of those plastic trash bags you get at the grocery store. Oh God. No No Bullet don’t eat that. So I take off like The Flash. Ok not The Flash but really fast. I am running with all my might. If he eats this he might die. I am in full panic mode. Plastic is bad. Bullet no. This stupid wind has blown a plastic trash bag into the yard. Now let me just say I do not run. NOPE. Not this girl. I only run if I am being chased and then I decide if it’s worth the run. I mean if it can catch me. And Eat me quick. I’m not going to die being eaten and out of breath. So here I am running like a psycho up to the pig pen. Yelling the entire time. And right as I jump over the electric fence. Yes ya’ll I jumped. And trust me, It was not pretty and by the way I am limping like a straight pimp because I seriously pulled something in my leg and maybe my back during this jump that should have never happened. So as I clear the fence like an olympic amateur who has NEVER competed before. And I get to my buddy who I think is making a horrible life decision to eat this plastic grocery bag. I stop dead in my tracks. ARE YOU KIDDING ME. I mean really. This is not my life! It’s not a grocery bag! WHAT!!! I swear I am cursing ALOT..ALOT! It’s a chicken. A stinking white chicken Just standing to his side. And what I thought was plastic blowing in the wind was her butt feathers. Her BUTT feathers.I am so MAD. I can’t breath. I am doubled over. Trying to get oxygen to my lungs. Ya’ll it’s so bad I sit right on the ground. Down I go. No cares in the world. I could care less what I am sitting in. I cannot believe I just ran to save his life from a CHICKEN. Oh god,. I need oxygen. I am literally in duck and chicken crap just shaking my head. And what makes it worse I did it to myself. For a CHICKEN. Now that I can breath well kinda. I am no longer turning blue. I get up and realize that my Olympic leap has left me wounded worse than I thought. My leg. Of god. I pulled something. Ok maybe pulled A FEW THINGS..What was I thinking. So now as I drag my leg over the fence and walk/crawl gimp my way toward the house. I am having a very stern conversation with myself. Lots of choice words. All of this for a Chicken. 

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