Protect My Delicate

So here I go again. I have a pig named Mr. Bullet. He is the stud of our farm. Well I decided it was time for Mr. Bullet to have a new improved shelter. He had one already but I just wanted to enforce what he has. He has decided that he is channeling Houdini lately. So off to Tractor Supply I go. After looking at several options I decided on cattle panel for his walls. The are strong metal and he cannot squeeze his 70 lb self through the holes.

You can’t escape now buddy.

As I start to set up and secure the cattle panel I am very happy with myself. I am using zip ties on all the corners and I think I have this fortress secured. I am giving myself a huge pat on the back.

Well the cattle panel is too high for me to easily get in and out of. One reason is because I had 8 ft railroad ties brought in to go completely around his area. And I have them stacked two high going all the way around. You have to step up about two feet to get into his area and with the cattle panel it is now like a four foot set up just to get into his pen. So I decide I am going to cut the cattle panel. Not all four walls just the front so that I can easily step in and out. I make sure it is high enough for me to get into, but for him not be able to get out. So now I am just giddy. I have secured Mr. Houdini. He is not going anywhere.

Now I just have to change his water and feed my buddy for being so well behaved during his renovations. Extra treats for Mr. Bullet.

After I have given him his treats and a good belly rub it is time for me go move on to other task. As I go to step out of the pen my pants get hung up on a piece of the cattle panel I have just cut. Crap. I did not cut low enough so there is a piece of metal that is sticking up. At first I am thinking ok no problem. I can just easily get myself loose. Well nope. Note I have stepped one leg already out of the pen onto the ground which is about 3ft lower than my other leg that is still inside the pen. As I try to wriggle my leg leg free the sharp piece of metal is starting to stab and puncture my leg. Oh ya’ll I am getting nervous. It is close to me delicate area. And why oh why am I in sweatpants. Really. I never wear sweatpants. What in the world was I thinking. I am in such a precarious position. I am not strong enough to step back into the pen. (I knew I should have worked out more) and if I try to pull my other leg out I am getting stabbed in my unmentionable areas. Can you imagine that story at the ER. So I cut my delicate in a pig pen. Oh for love of god! I feel like I am on Ninja warrior. I am starting to get mad now. I am thinking I might have to try to take off my pants. Wow the neighbors are getting a show today. Tickets come get your tickets.

At this point Mr. Bullet has realized that I am still in the pen with him. He has just ate all his food and is looking full and happy. So guess what? He thinks it’s time for another belly rub! I mean he just ate so now is time for loving. I am literally at this point yelling at him. Stop Bullet. NO BULLET. Now keep in mind he is a solid 70 lbs. And trying to rub up on my leg STILL in the pen. Bullet go away. Not now. I am reaching around the best I can to try to push him away. Yeah. That’s not happening. Have you tried to push a pig. HA. He just thinks I am reaching for him. So now I am like ok. I have to fix this situation ASAP. So I am going to just take my pants off the leg in the pen and make a break for freedom. I am out of breath. I am sweating and I am starting to get a freaking cramp. Can this really get any worse! Guess what IT can. In my panic to strip down and huffing and puffing like I am crazy Bullet gives me a full body rub. I mean all his meatiness right on my leg. And boom. My pants rip clean down my leg and out I tumble onto the ground. As I sit there checking over the damage and making sure I don’t need stitches he brings his nose right up to the fence. And gives a snort like “your welcome”. Really dude you almost broke my delicates. Uggg. So now that I have survived without too serious of an injury. I am taking that pat on the back away I gave myself just a few moments ago. Yep. No praise for me. Grabbing the wire cutters I make sure to cut that sticking fence good. Stupid fence. And I need new pants!

It’s Going To Eat Me

There’s something in the coop. Holy crap. So every night I go out and lock everyone up. I have two chicken coops and the duck house. I have a system. Ducks 1st than the chickens. So as I go to the final coop. I close the door. It is super easy to close since I have a sliding cord that lowers the entry door on the side. Well as I close that door I hear something inside. It’s not a chicken sound. Something is inside. I am freaking out. I need to check right. Oh god I can’t. I’m not brave. What if it jumps out at me. What if it bites me. But ,my girls. I need to save the girls. They could be getting eaten. And I am standing here not saving them. Ok. I have to save them. WAIT! What if it’s a snake. I can’t I’m scared of snakes. Ok just breath. I need a stick. Where are all the sticks. Why can’t I find a stick. I have a shovel. I cant use that its too heavy. I need something I can maneuver. Oh crap I heard it again. I am opening the door. Here I go. I hear something. Nope. Slammed the door shut. I actually jumped out of the coop at this point. So here I am pacing back and forth in front of the coop. I can do this. I can save my girls. NO I CAN’T. Sorry ladies. I am chicken! No pun intended. It might eat or claw me. Ya’ll are on your own. Fight back. No No I can’t do that. I am there protector. Ok Mandy be brave. You can do this. Just open the door and yell really loud. It will scare off whatever is there. But what if my yelling causes it freak out and lunge in my direction. I need a shield. So I have two metal food containers inside the coop with lids. Ok So I take one of the lids to protect some of my body from the enemy. Ok here I go. I am going to save the ladies. So slowly very very slowly I crack the door. I hear the sound again. Ok don’t back down. You are this far. I’m scared. I have to reach my hand around the corner for the light. My hand! I like my hand. Oh goodness please dont bite my hand. Ok. Here I go. Small screams are escaping my body. I flip the light on, but in my fright I close the door again. Ok. Make noise. I am just talking and yelling really loud. Like this monster knows what I am saying. You better get out of there. I’m going to kill you. Yeah Right. One more peep talk to myself. I am brave and strong and I can do this. I slowly open the door just a crack to peek inside. All I can see is my chickens looking at me like I have lost my mind. Uggg. I have to open the door further. A little more. And then I see movement in the back corner. It is too dark in the corner for me to make out what it is. So what do I do. I yell some more. Show yourself. Really what am I saying. Like it’s gonna pull out ID. At this point my heart is beating out of my chest. I even have a moment and start bobbing my head. It;s a good beat! Well if this is the end I’m going out with good rhythm.I’m losing it! And then all of the sudden. What do I hear. A small quack. ARE YOU KIDDING ME! It’s a frigging DUCK. Here I am dressed like one of the knights at the round table ready for battle and it’s a Duck! Seriously. Why were you not making noise. You don’t shut up all day. And now you have nothing to say. Why in the heck is this duck in the coop. My ducks NEVER go into the coop. So now that I am not going to die or have to fend off any monsters. I place the lid back on the food container. And in a not so gentle manner shove the duck out of the coop and escort it back to it’s home! On my to-do list tomorrow. Find a STICK!