Ya’ll I try so hard. I really do but I am telling you now. I think I just have to go ahead and accept I am a straight klutz. I have absolutely no grace in this body. It has been this way for over 40 yrs. I think it is time that I just accept that. Crap! So my husband works a unique shift at his job and has to leave very early in the morning. So he goes to bed before we all do. Now I try so hard to keep the house quiet and be respectful when he is sleeping. I really try. But this is just one example of why this is out of my control. So he was sleeping the other night and I had to use the bathroom. Now our bathroom is off of our bedroom. You have to walk through our bedroom to enter the bathroom. Now I always tiptoe through our room so as not to disturb him. Y’all I have even ninja crawled several times to get to my bathroom. I seriously use 007 moves to get there. So I am in the bathroom. I always close the door first before turning on the light. See I am being considerate. Now that I am safely in the bathroom, I take a shower before getting ready for bed. On a side note we have a fan that we sleep with at night so the sound does help muffle out noise. Note Muffle. I have finished my shower and I go to open one of the drawers in our bathroom cabinet. That is where we keep our Q-Tips. As I open the drawer Holy Crap! My husband has a beard trimmer he keeps on the sink. As I open the drawer the cord of the trimmer was caught on the handle..Now I did not notice this because it is not a bright light. We have a dimmer on our bathroom light and I always keep it low. Once again trying to be considerate. Well as I open the drawer the trimmer goes flying to floor. As this happens it knocks over the cup he keeps on his side throwing it into the sink. The deodorant goes flying, The mouthwash goes flying. I look like one of those circus clowns trying to jungle all of these items keeping them from falling. I swear I hear circus music playing in the background. In my juggling escapade my towel goes to drop, on instinct I go to grab for it! Why! Why did I do that! It’s not like anyone is in there. As I grab for it my foot slips on the trimmer that is on the floor, I forgot about in my panic to catch these flying items from making even more noise. As I slip on the trimmer I fall back toward the tub and of course I am one of those females that has to have 10,000 different bottles of shower products literally all over my tub! I mean it literally looks like a section at Wal-Mart. Price Check in Mandy’s tub! It’s a situation. And yes as I fall back I knock every single bottle into the tub that my flailing body can touch! So here I am sitting on the edge of the tub. I have just made more noise than a marching band coming through my house. Towel half on. Deodorant in one hand mouth wash in the other. And slowly the bathroom door opens. YEP. It’s hubby. I can only imagine what this looked like through his eye. He looks at me looks at the floor. And in my sweetest voice I say. Sorry babe. Love you. He just shakes his head and walks out. Poor guy! After 17 yrs of marriage I mean what else can he do. But I just want to state for the record. I think I was setup. It’s a conspiracy. I am serious! He knows I have to go in there. Why set-up booby traps for me. You know I will get caught. I can’t escape those. I can’t even walk on a flat surface without injury and you are going to place cords anywhere near me. That is just a set-up for disaster! Now I clean up this mess and once again ninja crawl back to the living room. Hopefully this will happen without any further incidents. I will let ya’ll know.
So this is totally my fault!I have two chicken coops. I have one large one that all of the larger chickens go into and I have a smaller one that the bantams and smaller chickens go into.So with this next part I am going to be totally honest. So on the smaller coop I am going to try to explain it visually with my words. So it is about 7 ft long and maybe 4 ft wide. So it is longer than it is wide. On the left side of the coop is the actual house. It is completely enclosed with doors on the front I can open. On the right side is a roost. Now the house and roost are about 3 ft off the ground and the entire coop is covered in chicken wire except the main house part since that is all wood. There are wooden stairs that go from the ground to the house for them to enter into.Holy crap. I have no idea if you all can visualize this. Sounds like I am describing a crazy chicken prison. I am only missing the barbed wire. It’s really not that bad. Wait. This is just too much. I am going to take a picture to attach with this. I’ll be right back. Ok. See attached picture. I think it is very important for ya’ll to see this.So every night I go up and make sure everyone is put to bed for the night. Now I am in Tennessee. And if any of you check the weather it has been raining FOREVER here. I am changing my name and building an ark. But let me just say I am NOT bringing stick bugs with me. Those little monsters. Not happening. Ok back to me getting my butt kicked by a chicken. So being 100% honest the stairs had fallen off months ago. And for whatever reason I just placed them back up on the house and just kinda propped them there. I know I know a few screws Mandy and Boom fixed. But I never have the screws and drill up there at the same time. And I am lazy and will have to squat and bend over to fix them. Ya’ll I am very accident prone. Just in case you have not figured this out yet. I am laughing out loud while writing this.Oh you all know this very well! And I have just been putting this minor repair off. TRUST me very very bad decision.So everyone is put to bed. And this is the final coop to close up. So I have two chickens that are on the roost. These are the two rebels that do not go inside unless it is arctic freezing outside. And then it turns into a shoving match between me and them. Me trying to shove them inside so they don’t freeze into chicken Popsicle and for them to jump around over and under to get away from me. I have already been outside for about 10/15 minutes by now in the rain putting everyone else away. I am started to get pretty saturated. Umbrella you say! Ya no. That is not happening. The wind will just fight me for it and that is one battle I do not have in me tonight.So as I go to close the rebel coop up I notice the stupid stairs are on the ground. AGAIN. So I go ahead and bend over and scooch down to pick up the stairs and lean them back up so they can walk into the coop if they want. At this time they are on the roost. So Right as I get my hands on the stairs the rebel chickens spook and start flipping out. For real! They know me. No stranger danger here.Well of course I have had to get half of my body into the coop bent over and of course my friggin head is part of this scenario. When all of the sudden this crazy chicken in her panic to get away from me. I was not even going for you jerk! Flapping around she gets her claw/foot caught in my hair. FOR HEAVEN’S SAKES. My hair. Are you kidding me. I’m screaming the chicken is screaming because she thinks my hair is some sort of death net. I am screaming because her claws are sharp. If you haven’t looked at a chicken foot do IT now. It’s a weapon. A weapon I tell you. I am full on trying to fight this chicken. I do not want her to claw my face with her foot weapons. They scratch their poop ya’ll. They scratch everything with that weapon she is dangerously close to my face. I will get an infection. I am trying to grab her without totally killing her or damaging her wings, trying to back out of the coop soakin wet and sliding in the mud. And I swear to god. If she poops in my face that’s it! I mean it! I will eat her! So now she is hanging upside down from my hair that is attached to my head pulling it out. I grab her and back out of the coop.Do you have any idea how many times I just stand in a spot and just shake my head. Alot ya’ll ALOT!. And this is another one of those moments.I pry her foot weapons from my hair which is wet. So it’s not the easiest task. In the rain in the mud in the dark. I get her out of my hair and I literally throw her back in the coop. I don’t care call PETA. They can have her.And the stupid stairs are still on the ground. Tough! Jump if you want in.Don’t mind me as I swim back to my house. I’m going to take a shower!
I am up at my chicken coop completing morning chores. I am just be bopping around getting it done. I check the chicken feed and realize I am very low so I better make a feed run. So I change my shoes and off to Tractor Supply I go. Now I live out in the country just a bit and Tractor Supply is about a 20 minute drive for me so I always take snacks. I mean you always need snacks right. What if I get stranded. I could starve to death. And I was a little hungry since I had not eaten yet today. So here I am just eating my snacks. I am driving without a care in the world. Just listening to the radio and singing my little heart out.
About 10 minutes into my ride my stomach starts to act up. You know that weird feeling you get right. Like ok. What’s going on. The little pains start to creep up. So at first I am not to worried. Maybe I just ate something that is not agreeing with me. Well another minute or so go by. And it’s getting worse. Now I am starting to speed. 60 in a 45. I can tell I need to get to a bathroom. Oh god. The pain is really kicking in now. Ya’ll I’m not going to make it. I start the get that cold sweat that covers your entire body telling you bad things are coming. The poop shakes have full on kicked in. I am trying to adjust in my seat. Maybe if I can just take some pressure off my body. Maybe it’s gas. You know when you do that little release test. Sweet god. It’s not gas. I have made it worse. This is going to be bad. Whatever is in my body is trying to tear out! I am picturing scenes from Alien. It want’s out NOW. Holy crap. I am doing full on Lamaze breathing at this time. Like the oxygen is going to stop my butt from exploding. I am in full freak out mode. Now I am really speeding like I am on COPS. Yep if they try to pull me over I am NOT stopping. How do you say I have to poop in sign language for the cops. Oh ya’ll I am going to jail for sure. I can just see the papers now. While trying to arrest Mandy after a high speed chase she craps all over the officer. It’s so bad. It’s trying to escape my body with such force. At this point I am talking to myself. Trying to reassure myself. I’ll be ok. You got this. Just squeeze girl clinch. Oh GOD I can’t. I am actually thinking I might just pull over on the side of the road. Where are all the gas stations. I am writing a stern letter to the city. We need more gas stations. For gods sake. It’s broad day light. Can I really squat on the side of the road. Do I even have napkins in the car. Oh god at this point in time I will need WAY more than napkins. The PAIN THE CRAMPS. I am starting to get nauseous. My shirt is now soaked with the poop sweats. Are you kidding I am going to puke and poop. This is not happening.
I am praying at this time Sweet baby Jesus. If you can just get me to a bathroom I will give you my 1st born. I will give you anything you want. What did I EAT. Whatever it was it wants out NOW! I’m not going to make it. Uggg. I can’t poop on the side of the road. Who knows what damage I will leave behind. I’m almost there. Thank you Thank you. Almost there. Let me just say the Fast and Furious have nothing on me at this point. I’m taking corners like NASCAR. Keep breathing. Clinch JUST Clinch. Up ahead I see it! Oh YES. Come on girl. Almost there. I swing into that parking lot like Tokyo drift. Screeching tires the whole way. I don’t even park the car in a spot. I pull right up to the door. Tow it I don’t care at this point.
I try to jump out the car. YEAH. That is NOT happening. I can hardly stand up straight. Ugg it hurts so bad. It is literally trying to break free and escape. Hunched over and breathing like I am in full on labor I crawl out of the car. I make as much of a dash as I can to the bathroom.
Now I will leave out the details of that ordeal. But lets just say. God help that bathroom. So as I lay on the bathroom floor of Tractor Supply trying to recover. Yes I am on the floor. I don’t care. I am still trying to recover from the pain ok guys. My body has just gone through a trauma. My poor body. I decide at that point in time. I am investing in a camping toilet. That thing is staying in my car. Ya’ll I am afraid the leave. I can’t decide if its over. I might just live in this bathroom. It’s nice. Good Paint color. No I have to go move my car. Slow and steady girl. Slow and Steady.
And I am no longer hungry.
So I have been building a small storage shed for the last month. I have been collecting pallets that I find because I am cheap wait I call it thrifty and I am not buying wood. Woods expensive. And in my head I’m going for that rustic look yeah rustic that’s what I will call it. Now I have been pretty happy with myself. I even got a tool belt! So I am on my way up to my construction site. I’m not going to lie. I have a walk ya’ll. It’s a cocky walk. I am a builder. I have my tool belt on. I got my handy dandy drill. I feel like Tim The Tool Man Taylor. I might even start to scratch and chug a beer. So as I swagger myself on up there and start working on my project I’m feeling pretty powerful. I’m a builder hear me roar. Oh yeah! I’ll be roaring alright. I set all my supplies up and start working on securing the pallets I have already set in place the day before. I have them tacked on with screws but now I need to go in and secure them all to each other and to the base I made. I have my little radio with me and I am jamming to Backstreet Boys, YES I like their songs. “Everybody rock your body, Everybody, Rock your body right” Yes y’all I am really getting into it. So I go to screw in a screw that is in a tight space so I have to angle my arm just a bit and apply some extra pressure on the drill when all of the sudden the drill twarks (is that a word) and just about rips my arm from my body as it throws me into the pallet like I am a piece of unwanted meat. I immediately drop the drill and for a few moments I am just looking at my arm. I mean I am in total shock. How could my arm just do that to me. I feel totally betrayed. Where did it think it was going to go. Why I’m not blaming the drill well the intense pain that is starting to sear it’s way through my body has my mind not working right. I want to move but I can’t remember how. And this entire time I am just standing there looking at my arm. Yep. I think I have torn it from my body. I mean it’s just hanging there.Limp. I killed it! Well buddy it’s been nice having you at my side. Now I am getting mad at the drill. I even start to yell at it. Why did you just try to kill me. Why did you just rip my arm from my body. You stupid drill. I give a good home. I charged you. You have a nice tool belt to live in. And you just tried to assassinate me. So slowly I start to move my arm. Yep it hurts. I really need this arm. So first I move my fingers and than start on moving the arm. Holy crap. Shooting pain. I might faint, This can’t be good. A little more movement. Well it’s still there. I haven’t torn it off it just feels like it. And of course what starts playing from the Backstreet Boys. “Stronger”. Shut up Backstreet. I’m not stronger than yesterday. My drill just tried to kill me. On a small side note hubby told me to wait for him, he would be home shortly. But OH NO. I’m Tim The Tool Man. So now I have to go inside and call him. And tell him Tim is injured. Ugg I just had to be a builder. I could not just wait. Ms. Independent here. Last time I attempted to build something he said he was calling OSHA on me. Well this should be a fun call.
Well that sucked. Went up to the coop this morning for morning chores. Well over night everything froze. On my way back to the house I fell slipped on ice and hurt well my everything. Yep my name is not Grace. Thank goodness I had on my housecoat as I lay in I am sure a ton of chicken and duck poop contemplating how injured I was. And trying to figure out if I peed on myself. There was a glimmer of hope the chickens came to check on me. Running full speed. I was so happy. My girls were coming to check on me. NOPE. They only wanted to see what I dropped and to see if there was anything they could scavenge from me as I lay there. One even stepped over my cold injured body as I lay there. All I can say is I am too old to be falling let alone into the frozen ground. Don’t mind me as I drag my injured poop covered self inside. This is not my day.
Oh my God y’all I did a bad bad thing! I have had some duck eggs in my incubator. This one did not hatch. So I decided to investigate. Bad bad decision. As I cradled this delicate egg BOOM it explodes. All over me! Somebody help me. It’s so disgusting. I can barely see through the tears from gagging and throwing up so much. Oh my goodness you guys it got on me. It’s on my arms. I can’t get away from it. This is so awful. I’m seriously going to bleach myself. I opened this in my house What Was I Thinkin! Oh my God my dog is gagging! I cannot handle this. Why am I so inquisitive! What Was I Thinkin! This is awful. My house is never going to smell good again. I can’t escape it! I seriously think I might have to move. My poor dog. I think my dog is going to puke. Forget curiosity killed the cat, it’s going to kill me. And my dog! Listen life lesson never ever open an old duck egg! You’ll never be the same.
Ok ya’ll. So today started off pretty normal. It is really cold here in Tennessee so I was not excited to go out and compete morning chores but its gotta be done. So today was clean the chicken coop day. A day I dont love. I always feel so gross after cleaning out that thing and I gag the entire time. Well I got it done in record time and was so proud of myself. And since it is freezing out I decided to treat myself and take a hot soak in the bath. You know I deserve it. It has been a long week and I was just in chicken and duck poop for an hour. So here I go dancing my way into the house singing in my head. Yep this is going to be fantastic. I am going to make a little spa day for myself. So as I get everything ready and set up my “spa” I am just giddy. I haven’t had a nice long soak in a long time. Being a typical female of course I have the water as hot as humanly possible. So the bath is going great. I am feeling relaxed and happy. So of course I have all the fantastic wonderfully smelling soaps. Ugh this is all I needed. Well I can’t seem to find my luffa. Where in the world is it. I search and search and cannot find it. Well crap. So I see a washcloth hanging and just decided to use that. So as I exfoliate and rub a dub scrub I start to smell something. I have placed the wonderful smelling soap on the cloth but as the soap washes off I can’t seem to shake this odor. It is so familiar to me but I just can’t place it. Now time for a side story. Most of you may not know this but I also have a potbelly pig named Clover. She is a mini and weighs about 15 lbs. She is very spoiled and gets baths when she comes in to hang out. Now I use a washcloth on her to get her nice and clean and I always keep that cloth separate. Well a few days previously I cleaned the bathroom and hung her cloth up with all intentions of putting it back. Well in my rush to find my luffa because I did not want to be out of the water I just grabbed a cloth.
So back to my story. As I sit there just scrubbing my entire body and thinking how great and refreshing this is. I notice this odor. I know this odor. This smells like Clover. OMG. I have grabbed the pigs washcloth. OMG I have been scrubbing my body with this cloth. I can’t breathe. I wash that pigs butt with this cloth. The PIGS butt. Now I am in full freak out mode. As I jump up I knock everything into the bathtub. Why in heck do I have 20 bottles in this bathtub what am I Walmart. Im having to dodge and weave through bath supplies as I choke on pig butt. I am panicking trying to figure out what to do. I need to get this cleaned off my body. I mean do I need to call the CDC. Am i going to die. Oh crap I am going to get and infection. My gag reflex has now kicked in. The pigs butt. It’s in my mouth. My eyes. I’m going to go blind. Why did I have to get all the same color washcloths. I wanted to be like Martha Stewart. I AM not Martha Stewart. I did not need to match. This is just horrible. I realize I need to rewash NOW. So I reach for the nozzle like I’m on fire. Trying to turn on the shower. Screaming puking and crying. I washed my arms and face. I will need to go to the ER. What do I tell them. I have pig butt all over my body. I have a disease. Just get it off me. That’s all my brain will allow. So as I turn on the water. Holy crap. Its freezing. I have been sitting in hot lava and now I’m getting frost bite. Why oh why did I use all the hot water. I’m freaking out. I even think I peed on myself. I’m going to need an antibiotic. So what can I use. What will help. Antibacterial hand soap. So I fling myself out of the shower to the sink and grab the hand soap. And back into the frozen tundra now known as my shower. At this point i can’t stop shaking. I’m not sure if it from the freezing water or the shock i have pig crap all over me. So as i literally use the antibacterial soap all over me hoping this helps and screaming everytime i have to enter the freezing water I am rushing at warp 1000. A final rinse and I jump out. I am now wrapped in a towel on the bathroom floor contemplating what just happened. I am pretty sure I am in shock. I’m just going to sit here and rock and console myself for a while.
Going to get different color washcloths once I recover. I’m getting every color they have.
That relaxing bath did not go as I intended.
So here I go again. I have a pig named Mr. Bullet. He is the stud of our farm. Well I decided it was time for Mr. Bullet to have a new improved shelter. He had one already but I just wanted to enforce what he has. He has decided that he is channeling Houdini lately. So off to Tractor Supply I go. After looking at several options I decided on cattle panel for his walls. The are strong metal and he cannot squeeze his 70 lb self through the holes.
You can’t escape now buddy.
As I start to set up and secure the cattle panel I am very happy with myself. I am using zip ties on all the corners and I think I have this fortress secured. I am giving myself a huge pat on the back.
Well the cattle panel is too high for me to easily get in and out of. One reason is because I had 8 ft railroad ties brought in to go completely around his area. And I have them stacked two high going all the way around. You have to step up about two feet to get into his area and with the cattle panel it is now like a four foot set up just to get into his pen. So I decide I am going to cut the cattle panel. Not all four walls just the front so that I can easily step in and out. I make sure it is high enough for me to get into, but for him not be able to get out. So now I am just giddy. I have secured Mr. Houdini. He is not going anywhere.
Now I just have to change his water and feed my buddy for being so well behaved during his renovations. Extra treats for Mr. Bullet.
After I have given him his treats and a good belly rub it is time for me go move on to other task. As I go to step out of the pen my pants get hung up on a piece of the cattle panel I have just cut. Crap. I did not cut low enough so there is a piece of metal that is sticking up. At first I am thinking ok no problem. I can just easily get myself loose. Well nope. Note I have stepped one leg already out of the pen onto the ground which is about 3ft lower than my other leg that is still inside the pen. As I try to wriggle my leg leg free the sharp piece of metal is starting to stab and puncture my leg. Oh ya’ll I am getting nervous. It is close to me delicate area. And why oh why am I in sweatpants. Really. I never wear sweatpants. What in the world was I thinking. I am in such a precarious position. I am not strong enough to step back into the pen. (I knew I should have worked out more) and if I try to pull my other leg out I am getting stabbed in my unmentionable areas. Can you imagine that story at the ER. So I cut my delicate in a pig pen. Oh for love of god! I feel like I am on Ninja warrior. I am starting to get mad now. I am thinking I might have to try to take off my pants. Wow the neighbors are getting a show today. Tickets come get your tickets.
At this point Mr. Bullet has realized that I am still in the pen with him. He has just ate all his food and is looking full and happy. So guess what? He thinks it’s time for another belly rub! I mean he just ate so now is time for loving. I am literally at this point yelling at him. Stop Bullet. NO BULLET. Now keep in mind he is a solid 70 lbs. And trying to rub up on my leg STILL in the pen. Bullet go away. Not now. I am reaching around the best I can to try to push him away. Yeah. That’s not happening. Have you tried to push a pig. HA. He just thinks I am reaching for him. So now I am like ok. I have to fix this situation ASAP. So I am going to just take my pants off the leg in the pen and make a break for freedom. I am out of breath. I am sweating and I am starting to get a freaking cramp. Can this really get any worse! Guess what IT can. In my panic to strip down and huffing and puffing like I am crazy Bullet gives me a full body rub. I mean all his meatiness right on my leg. And boom. My pants rip clean down my leg and out I tumble onto the ground. As I sit there checking over the damage and making sure I don’t need stitches he brings his nose right up to the fence. And gives a snort like “your welcome”. Really dude you almost broke my delicates. Uggg. So now that I have survived without too serious of an injury. I am taking that pat on the back away I gave myself just a few moments ago. Yep. No praise for me. Grabbing the wire cutters I make sure to cut that sticking fence good. Stupid fence. And I need new pants!
There’s something in the coop. Holy crap. So every night I go out and lock everyone up. I have two chicken coops and the duck house. I have a system. Ducks 1st than the chickens. So as I go to the final coop. I close the door. It is super easy to close since I have a sliding cord that lowers the entry door on the side. Well as I close that door I hear something inside. It’s not a chicken sound. Something is inside. I am freaking out. I need to check right. Oh god I can’t. I’m not brave. What if it jumps out at me. What if it bites me. But ,my girls. I need to save the girls. They could be getting eaten. And I am standing here not saving them. Ok. I have to save them. WAIT! What if it’s a snake. I can’t I’m scared of snakes. Ok just breath. I need a stick. Where are all the sticks. Why can’t I find a stick. I have a shovel. I cant use that its too heavy. I need something I can maneuver. Oh crap I heard it again. I am opening the door. Here I go. I hear something. Nope. Slammed the door shut. I actually jumped out of the coop at this point. So here I am pacing back and forth in front of the coop. I can do this. I can save my girls. NO I CAN’T. Sorry ladies. I am chicken! No pun intended. It might eat or claw me. Ya’ll are on your own. Fight back. No No I can’t do that. I am there protector. Ok Mandy be brave. You can do this. Just open the door and yell really loud. It will scare off whatever is there. But what if my yelling causes it freak out and lunge in my direction. I need a shield. So I have two metal food containers inside the coop with lids. Ok So I take one of the lids to protect some of my body from the enemy. Ok here I go. I am going to save the ladies. So slowly very very slowly I crack the door. I hear the sound again. Ok don’t back down. You are this far. I’m scared. I have to reach my hand around the corner for the light. My hand! I like my hand. Oh goodness please dont bite my hand. Ok. Here I go. Small screams are escaping my body. I flip the light on, but in my fright I close the door again. Ok. Make noise. I am just talking and yelling really loud. Like this monster knows what I am saying. You better get out of there. I’m going to kill you. Yeah Right. One more peep talk to myself. I am brave and strong and I can do this. I slowly open the door just a crack to peek inside. All I can see is my chickens looking at me like I have lost my mind. Uggg. I have to open the door further. A little more. And then I see movement in the back corner. It is too dark in the corner for me to make out what it is. So what do I do. I yell some more. Show yourself. Really what am I saying. Like it’s gonna pull out ID. At this point my heart is beating out of my chest. I even have a moment and start bobbing my head. It;s a good beat! Well if this is the end I’m going out with good rhythm.I’m losing it! And then all of the sudden. What do I hear. A small quack. ARE YOU KIDDING ME! It’s a frigging DUCK. Here I am dressed like one of the knights at the round table ready for battle and it’s a Duck! Seriously. Why were you not making noise. You don’t shut up all day. And now you have nothing to say. Why in the heck is this duck in the coop. My ducks NEVER go into the coop. So now that I am not going to die or have to fend off any monsters. I place the lid back on the food container. And in a not so gentle manner shove the duck out of the coop and escort it back to it’s home! On my to-do list tomorrow. Find a STICK!