No Olympics For Me

Ok ya’ll I’m dying. I can hardly breathe. Holy crap I think I need CPR. Wait let me backup and tell you what happened. So here in Tennessee we finally have a nice day. For weeks it has rained and rained and rained some more. I mean I need to get into a boat to get to my car. I wear floaties to work. It’s just ridiculous. So I was down at the house and have started working on prepping for my garden growing season. I grow lots of veggies on the farm. So here I am making sure my seed starter trays are all in order reviewing my seeds. Planning on what I am planting and when. And I just so happen to look up at the yard where all of my animals are. And something white catches my eye in Mr.Bullet (my 70/75 lb pig) pig pen. So here I am just standing there trying to figure what what in the world is in his pen with him. It’s white and his meaty body is blocking it so I can only see just the top. And I notice it is moving. Today is so friggin windy. I mean the wind is really no joke. You start walking one way and the wind is like HA nope and pushes you in the opposite direction.  Well I guess I’m going this way now. So anyway. I am standing there and trying so hard to see what it is. Not going to lie I am being lazy and really do not want to walk up there. I have to go up there in a little bit and that is just extra walking I don’t want to do right now. I’m tired ya’ll.  So I I try to get my x-ray vision to work. I see the top of this white mysterious thing move again with the wind and it is right on the side of my Bullet man. And then my heart jumps out of my chest. Oh No it looks like one of those plastic trash bags you get at the grocery store. Oh God. No No Bullet don’t eat that. So I take off like The Flash. Ok not The Flash but really fast. I am running with all my might. If he eats this he might die. I am in full panic mode. Plastic is bad. Bullet no. This stupid wind has blown a plastic trash bag into the yard. Now let me just say I do not run. NOPE. Not this girl. I only run if I am being chased and then I decide if it’s worth the run. I mean if it can catch me. And Eat me quick. I’m not going to die being eaten and out of breath. So here I am running like a psycho up to the pig pen. Yelling the entire time. And right as I jump over the electric fence. Yes ya’ll I jumped. And trust me, It was not pretty and by the way I am limping like a straight pimp because I seriously pulled something in my leg and maybe my back during this jump that should have never happened. So as I clear the fence like an olympic amateur who has NEVER competed before. And I get to my buddy who I think is making a horrible life decision to eat this plastic grocery bag. I stop dead in my tracks. ARE YOU KIDDING ME. I mean really. This is not my life! It’s not a grocery bag! WHAT!!! I swear I am cursing ALOT..ALOT! It’s a chicken. A stinking white chicken Just standing to his side. And what I thought was plastic blowing in the wind was her butt feathers. Her BUTT feathers.I am so MAD. I can’t breath. I am doubled over. Trying to get oxygen to my lungs. Ya’ll it’s so bad I sit right on the ground. Down I go. No cares in the world. I could care less what I am sitting in. I cannot believe I just ran to save his life from a CHICKEN. Oh god,. I need oxygen. I am literally in duck and chicken crap just shaking my head. And what makes it worse I did it to myself. For a CHICKEN. Now that I can breath well kinda. I am no longer turning blue. I get up and realize that my Olympic leap has left me wounded worse than I thought. My leg. Of god. I pulled something. Ok maybe pulled A FEW THINGS..What was I thinking. So now as I drag my leg over the fence and walk/crawl gimp my way toward the house. I am having a very stern conversation with myself. Lots of choice words. All of this for a Chicken. 

Don’t Answer That Phone

All I can say is thank goodness it was not me! So we have two pigs on our Farm. Mr. Bullet who is a 70/75 lbs Japanese Potbelly that I ended up rescuing. And a 15 lbs mini potbelly named Clover. So Mr.Bullet lives outside in his pen and Clover stays inside. She will eventually end up moving outside once the weather warms up. We have had Clover now for about two months. I take her up to the yard with all of my other names everyday to get her use to them all. I also have chickens, ducks, rabbits and of course Bullet. So with Bullet being a male and older I am having to introduce them very slowly. Anyone with pigs knows that they can be aggressive. I feel confident they will become fast friends just because Bullet is extremely docile and has a wonderful personality. So yesterday I asked hubby if he would come up to the pen with me. I was taking Clover up to hang with Bullet for a bit. Now note I am in the pen the entire time and if I see any issues I will intervene immediately. Since the past introductions have gone so well. I wanted hubby up there to record this for me. I do not want to be distracted in watching them closely but I wanted to record there hang out time because it is super cute to watch. Now Clover is super lovable. And has been extremely spoiled by me. I just can’t help it guys she is just too cute. That little face. You just melt. So anyway. She is not a fan of being picked up. I do it very slowly and keep her hugged to my body when I pick her up. So we are both up at the pen. I am inside the pen with both pigs. Well I have let them have there time to get to know one another for the day and I am ready to get Clover out. I ask hubby if he can pick up Clover and place her outside the pen since I am going to stay in and give Mr. Bullet some belly rubs for being a good boy and not eating Clover. Ya’ll I just can’t This is the funniest thing ever. So he goes to pick up Clover. And she starts just flipping out and screaming. Oh My God have you ever heard a pig scream. It is so loud. I mean ear piercing. And she is fighting him with all her might. He starts screaming help help.  Get your pig. She is freaking out. Now I am laughing so hard at what I seeing. So I go over grab her and set her down. EASY. Hubby is like what is wrong with that pig. Still laughing I said “you did not pick her up correct”. Well I thought that little tantrum was over and I got a good little giggle out of it. Oh the tantrum that keeps on giving. As I go to tend to Bullet Hubby is like REALLY! Followed by a few other choice words, and I turn to see what happened. He is like, your pig pooped on me. Now it is all over his pants, shoes. Oh it’s funny. I told him you scared the crap out of her. He was not amused. So now he is trying to get what poop he can off his shoes. AND THE BEST THING HAPPENED. My stomach hurts so bad. If I only could have recorded what happened next. Oh you guys his face. Our daughter calls. And he answered his phone! Now do you remember I asked him up to help me record. LOL, He did not! Not only did Clover poop all over him but she somehow aimed her poop shootin butt at his PHONE. He gets maybe one word out and realizes his phone has poop on it and now his face does too. I’m rolling. He’s gagging, swearing, spitting. AND I am not helping at all. I can’t move. If I move I swear I will pee all over myself. I am even having to cross my legs at this point of time because I cannot stop laughing. At this point he has stomped away toward the house toward safety. I think I will just stay up here for a while. Let him get cleaned up. I don’t think he will be agreeing to record anything for me for a while. 

Clover The Pig Throws A Party!

Let me start off by saying I cannot make this stuff up! So I have a mini potbelly pig named Clover. She is about four months old. When I first got Clover home she was so tiny that I decided to keep her in the house. I made her a little tote with her very own blankets and toys. But as she has gotten bigger I have come to realize that she cannot stay in the house anymore. She weighs about 15lbs. and she is way to curious and gets into everything. So I decided to move her to the garage. Now before you ask I am not able to put her outside in her pen yet because we are located in Tennessee and we are still getting some pretty cold temps. And since she is so little I do not want her getting sick due to the cold weather. Well she has been out in the garage for about two weeks now. She has a cage with lots of blankets, She has a little bed I got for her also out there that she can lounge in if she doesn’t want to be in the cage. So the 1st few days went great. No issues. But then I started noticing she was getting more and more adventurous. Now I was able to clean and repair all of those issues without hubby finding out. He has already told me she was going to wreak havoc and I am like no no. She is just precious. Crap. I can’t let him see he is so friggin RIGHT! This pig is going to be the death of me. She is like a toddler only I can legally lock her in a cage. So I am in the kitchen and I see hubby heading into the garage. All of the sudden he starts yelling no wait screaming my Name. OH MY GOD! I just know it was something Clover did. Oh crap. I swear I went through that garage like a brand new mom who has never had kids childproofing that place like a ninja. Oh god he is so mad. I seriously am contemplating just running the other way. What honey. No I did not hear you screaming. Nope. Yep maybe I’ll just drive to Texas. Ok here I go. I mean really how bad can it be. So as I head to the garage he opens the door to yell for me again. And just over his shoulder I see what I think might be smoke. Smoke. Holy Crap. Is the garage on fire. Why in the world is he not calling 911. So now I start to run toward him. And bust through the door like the State Puff Marshmallow Man. GOD HAVE MERCY! There is a thick white powder ALL over the garage. It looks like Clover has thrown a full on Rave. All she is missing is the party lights. And in the middle of the garage there the little culprit is. Just running around leaving her little pig prints as she goes. Not a care in the world. Now I will leave out the words that are coming out of my husbands mouth. And let me just say I had to use a thesaurus to find the definition for several.  Yep that one is bad. Yep that one is really bad. I think he made that one up. Yep he’s mad. So as I stand in this cloud of powder chasing this pig around the garage trying to catch her to place her in her cage so I can open the garage door. She is not making this easy. She thinks it’s a game. Really. Now you want to play chase. Slipping and sliding as I try desperately to get ahold of her. Clover! Stop. You better come here. I am playing with you. I finally am able to get ahold of her. So now that I have her in the cage I open the garage door to try to clear out this powder and figure out what in the world has happened. Now like I said previously, I thought I had for sure childproofed no pig proofed the garage. What could she have gotten into. You will never guess what she did. I mean I cannot believe this. So we have a fire extinguisher that we keep on the top step. This bad bad pig has knocked the fire extinguisher off the stairs. I am still not sure how the pin came out. Did it pop out when it fell. Did this little creature pull the pin. But however it has happened the pin has been removed and she has somehow sprayed the fire extinguisher all over the garage. How is that even possible. There is powder everywhere on everything. This cannot be happening. So two hours later. I am happy to report that I have most of the powder cleaned up. I have once again went through the garage and pig proofed it. Nothing was left unchecked or touched by me. I definitely underestimated Clover and her little adventures in the garage. And yes I had to admit to hubby he was right! 

Also for all those wondering. Clover was checked out and is completely fine. So not only did she have a great RAVE party but also gave me a vet bill. 

Spa Day Gone Wrong

Ok ya’ll. So today started off pretty normal. It is really cold here in Tennessee so I was not excited to go out and compete morning chores but its gotta be done. So today was clean the chicken coop day. A day I dont love. I always feel so gross after cleaning out that thing and I gag the entire time. Well I got it done in record time and was so proud of myself. And since it is freezing out I decided to treat myself and take a hot soak in the bath. You know I deserve it. It has been a long week and I was just in chicken and duck poop for an hour. So here I go dancing my way into the house singing in my head. Yep this is going to be fantastic. I am going to make a little spa day for myself. So as I get everything ready and set up my “spa” I am just giddy. I haven’t had a nice long soak in a long time. Being a typical female of course I have the water as hot as humanly possible. So the bath is going great. I am feeling relaxed and happy. So of course I have all the fantastic wonderfully smelling soaps. Ugh this is all I needed. Well I can’t seem to find my luffa. Where in the world is it. I search and search and cannot find it. Well crap. So I see a washcloth hanging and just decided to use that. So as I exfoliate and rub a dub scrub I start to smell something. I have placed the wonderful smelling soap on the cloth but as the soap washes off I can’t seem to shake this odor. It is so familiar to me but I just can’t place it. Now time for a side story. Most of you may not know this but I also have a potbelly pig named Clover. She is a mini and weighs about 15 lbs. She is very spoiled and gets baths when she comes in to hang out. Now I use a washcloth on her to get her nice and clean and I always keep that cloth separate. Well a few days previously I cleaned the bathroom and hung her cloth up with all intentions of putting it back. Well in my rush to find my luffa because I did not want to be out of the water I just grabbed a cloth.
So back to my story. As I sit there just scrubbing my entire body and thinking how great and refreshing this is. I notice this odor. I know this odor. This smells like Clover. OMG. I have grabbed the pigs washcloth. OMG I have been scrubbing my body with this cloth. I can’t breathe. I wash that pigs butt with this cloth. The PIGS butt. Now I am in full freak out mode. As I jump up I knock everything into the bathtub. Why in heck do I have 20 bottles in this bathtub what am I Walmart. Im having to dodge and weave through bath supplies as I choke on pig butt. I am panicking trying to figure out what to do. I need to get this cleaned off my body. I mean do I need to call the CDC. Am i going to die. Oh crap I am going to get and infection. My gag reflex has now kicked in. The pigs butt. It’s in my mouth. My eyes. I’m going to go blind. Why did I have to get all the same color washcloths. I wanted to be like Martha Stewart. I AM not Martha Stewart. I did not need to match. This is just horrible. I realize I need to rewash NOW. So I reach for the nozzle like I’m on fire. Trying to turn on the shower. Screaming puking and crying. I washed my arms and face. I will need to go to the ER. What do I tell them. I have pig butt all over my body. I have a disease. Just get it off me. That’s all my brain will allow. So as I turn on the water. Holy crap. Its freezing. I have been sitting in hot lava and now I’m getting frost bite. Why oh why did I use all the hot water. I’m freaking out. I even think I peed on myself. I’m going to need an antibiotic. So what can I use. What will help. Antibacterial hand soap. So I fling myself out of the shower to the sink and grab the hand soap. And back into the frozen tundra now known as my shower. At this point i can’t stop shaking. I’m not sure if it from the freezing water or the shock i have pig crap all over me. So as i literally use the antibacterial soap all over me hoping this helps and screaming everytime i have to enter the freezing water I am rushing at warp 1000. A final rinse and I jump out. I am now wrapped in a towel on the bathroom floor contemplating what just happened. I am pretty sure I am in shock. I’m just going to sit here and rock and console myself for a while.
Going to get different color washcloths once I recover. I’m getting every color they have.
That relaxing bath did not go as I intended.

Protect My Delicate

So here I go again. I have a pig named Mr. Bullet. He is the stud of our farm. Well I decided it was time for Mr. Bullet to have a new improved shelter. He had one already but I just wanted to enforce what he has. He has decided that he is channeling Houdini lately. So off to Tractor Supply I go. After looking at several options I decided on cattle panel for his walls. The are strong metal and he cannot squeeze his 70 lb self through the holes.

You can’t escape now buddy.

As I start to set up and secure the cattle panel I am very happy with myself. I am using zip ties on all the corners and I think I have this fortress secured. I am giving myself a huge pat on the back.

Well the cattle panel is too high for me to easily get in and out of. One reason is because I had 8 ft railroad ties brought in to go completely around his area. And I have them stacked two high going all the way around. You have to step up about two feet to get into his area and with the cattle panel it is now like a four foot set up just to get into his pen. So I decide I am going to cut the cattle panel. Not all four walls just the front so that I can easily step in and out. I make sure it is high enough for me to get into, but for him not be able to get out. So now I am just giddy. I have secured Mr. Houdini. He is not going anywhere.

Now I just have to change his water and feed my buddy for being so well behaved during his renovations. Extra treats for Mr. Bullet.

After I have given him his treats and a good belly rub it is time for me go move on to other task. As I go to step out of the pen my pants get hung up on a piece of the cattle panel I have just cut. Crap. I did not cut low enough so there is a piece of metal that is sticking up. At first I am thinking ok no problem. I can just easily get myself loose. Well nope. Note I have stepped one leg already out of the pen onto the ground which is about 3ft lower than my other leg that is still inside the pen. As I try to wriggle my leg leg free the sharp piece of metal is starting to stab and puncture my leg. Oh ya’ll I am getting nervous. It is close to me delicate area. And why oh why am I in sweatpants. Really. I never wear sweatpants. What in the world was I thinking. I am in such a precarious position. I am not strong enough to step back into the pen. (I knew I should have worked out more) and if I try to pull my other leg out I am getting stabbed in my unmentionable areas. Can you imagine that story at the ER. So I cut my delicate in a pig pen. Oh for love of god! I feel like I am on Ninja warrior. I am starting to get mad now. I am thinking I might have to try to take off my pants. Wow the neighbors are getting a show today. Tickets come get your tickets.

At this point Mr. Bullet has realized that I am still in the pen with him. He has just ate all his food and is looking full and happy. So guess what? He thinks it’s time for another belly rub! I mean he just ate so now is time for loving. I am literally at this point yelling at him. Stop Bullet. NO BULLET. Now keep in mind he is a solid 70 lbs. And trying to rub up on my leg STILL in the pen. Bullet go away. Not now. I am reaching around the best I can to try to push him away. Yeah. That’s not happening. Have you tried to push a pig. HA. He just thinks I am reaching for him. So now I am like ok. I have to fix this situation ASAP. So I am going to just take my pants off the leg in the pen and make a break for freedom. I am out of breath. I am sweating and I am starting to get a freaking cramp. Can this really get any worse! Guess what IT can. In my panic to strip down and huffing and puffing like I am crazy Bullet gives me a full body rub. I mean all his meatiness right on my leg. And boom. My pants rip clean down my leg and out I tumble onto the ground. As I sit there checking over the damage and making sure I don’t need stitches he brings his nose right up to the fence. And gives a snort like “your welcome”. Really dude you almost broke my delicates. Uggg. So now that I have survived without too serious of an injury. I am taking that pat on the back away I gave myself just a few moments ago. Yep. No praise for me. Grabbing the wire cutters I make sure to cut that sticking fence good. Stupid fence. And I need new pants!